Boyhood right of passage

So the Caveman has decided to waste no time proving that he is in fact all boy.

A few days ago I pick up the Caveman at preschool and go by his cubby and find a note. The note is from one of his teachers explaining that during nap time the Caveman was playing “moneys jumping on the bed.” Like the song goes one fell off and bumped his head. Only the Caveman fell off and hit his elbow.

Now the note told me that he cried and screamed but calmed down. Then during playtime anytime he would move his arm he would scream. So the teachers brought the Caveman inside and had the director of the preschool look at his arm. He was able to move it and it wasn’t swollen but she felt that I should know about it.

Fast forward to a mom running late to pick up her child because she has to get dinner into him and her as both are going to vacation bible school that evening. Only when I examined his arm his little hand was starting to swell and he wouldn’t let me touch his arm.

Loading the Caveman into the car I call Big Papi and let him know “hey AJ’s arm could be broken” YIKES! Seriously did I go there to that place where I am envisioning casts and more doctors appointments. Plus we are less than two weeks from our Sesame Place vacation. So I call Crazy Grandma who is a massage therapist to get her to look at the arm first. I do this for two reasons, one to validate that I am not an over protected mommy, and two to make sure that it isn’t that serious to go to the emergency room.

Well Crazy Grandma confirmed that I was not a over protected mom and that a trip to the emergency room was in order.

Now I have a choice to take him to our local emergency room or drive through rush hour traffic to take the Caveman to the children’s hospital. Thank goodness the Alien’s babysitter had no problem keeping the Alien longer so that we didn’t have to worry about her and the Caveman.

Big Papi, the Caveman, and I arrive at the Children’s Hospital of the Kings Daughter’s emergency room after fighting through a tunnel and silly slow drivers. I mean, come on don’t people know that I have a hurt Caveman in the back seat. At this point I am stressed out, my baby is in pain and Big Papi can’t seem to figure out where to park. I tell him the garage and he completely goes to another spot that has no parking. We go back to the parking lot. Then Big Papi wants to walk on the outside- I tell him it would be easier to go through the hospital. I am right again.

We finally make it to the actual emergency room where a cop, yes a cop with a gun in a children’s emergency room (WTF)! He gets the nurse who does some vitals and then sends us out to wait. Sitting next to us is a family with grandparents, aunts, and uncles all crying. At that moment I take a deep breath and thank God that though my child is hurt I at least know the worse thing could be a broken arm. All the sudden the family is being asked to go to the back and clergy is being called. I never saw that family again but my hope is that my instinct isn’t right and that child is fine.

After that I promised myself that no matter what I will not panic. Another nurse calls us and takes us back to an examination room. The Caveman is actually very charming and it shows why a children’s hospital is a need resource in a community. These medical professionals are able to get him to cooperate. The doctor is also wonderful and explains we will need x-rays to get some answers.

That is where the screaming starts. The x-ray techs could not have been more kind but need us to help hold the Caveman down and get his arm into the right positions. There is no pain worse for a mother or even a dad then having to be in a position to hurt your child. My child was screaming in agony and I was causing it.

The x-rays showed that the Caveman simply dislocated his elbow and the doctor just popped it right back in. Ten minutes later he has a red Popsicle in his hand and is laughing as the doctor blows bubbles in the air. A happy meal later and the Caveman is fine. Four days later I am still upset.

Guess who's back, back again!

So, I was hiding.

I know, I know, prompt blog writers are at it everyday. However I am assuming that most blog writers are not attending classes in the summer time- sixteen weeks worth of education squeezed into ten. This summer to say the least has been interesting.

The first big news is that the Alien turns one today! Seriously amazing; this time last year I was getting hooked up to meds that forced the birth of my child, not pleasant. Now the Alien is this bright, shiny sunshine in my life. Her sparkling blue eyes that light up when I walk into the room. The cries of “ma- ma” (yes actually calling me ma-ma.) She is starting to stand on her own and attack the Caveman, at a kid level life is good.



Another piece of amazing news is that I am a proper Wahoo! This tidbit I have been holding out sharing because part of me still does not believe that a path I stepped on almost twenty years ago is finally clear of the biggest road hazard. Virginia actually wants me. Yet, there is a line from the musical Wicked where Glenda finally gets what she wants and sings “That’s why I couldn’t be happier, no I couldn’t be happier. But, it is I admit the tiniest bit unlike I anticipated.” When you want something so bad, when it becomes everything you are working for and then you actually get what you want so then what?



The big thing going on this summer however is not all sunshine like a one-year old birthday or the accomplishment of finally being accepted at the one place I have been pressing my nose against the glass since I was 12. No the biggest news is that Big Papi and I are in a rough patch and are currently in couple’s therapy. This period in my life has been painful and lonely because I have not wanted to share this with too many people. Who wants to have a conversation about why you think your marriage of less than four years is not working. Plus sharing it with the world, especially people who are not involved with our daily lives is scary because the judgment that comes with a woman complaining that her man isn’t enough.


Yes, I said it. Imagine being on a long beach holding a rope and dragging everyone on a sled. My kids, house, career, dreams, hope, vision are all on this sled. Right now I am pulling it alone, without help from my husband. Now, let me be very clear Big Papi is a good, kind man. He is an amazing father. I love him; made children with him, that’s why as I type tears are welling up.

Big Papi is not living to his potential in many ways. Some days that sled is really heavy with all that I have put on it. Once in awhile I want him to help pull the rope or get some stuff off my sled and carry it awhile for me. So much is on a mom’s plate because if the kids are hurting it is the mother who is judge. Big Papi isn’t doing his part getting us to the next step.

I don’t feel comfortable explaining exactly what is going on, but he has the opportunity to finish something every important and is unwilling to find out how to finish. This goal is one that so many people want to accomplish, and he has at most six months work to do to complete. Frustratingly he gives no reason for finishing or promises to get the information and never does.


He is 32 and at this very moment is perfectly happy to stay as he is. As I change and grow, especially reaching my 30s I want my husband to grow with me. My fear is that I as I grow, I grow further away from him.

"You're in control is there anywhere you want to go" Wait.. not you guys!

So the other night was an event Big Papi and I had been looking forward to for months. Coldplay was in town and we had lawn tickets.

Now for those who are unaware, the Virginia Beach Verizon Amphitheatre is a great venue for seeing concerts. Big Papi and I, before our adventures in parent land, saw Coldplay there and they were AMAZING! What a fan based show. If you love Coldplay you should so see them live, seriously a great show.

Because of my devotion to Coldplay we purchased tickets the minute they became available on the lawn- which is a large grassy hill with first come first serve seating. A few weeks ago the Amphitheatre announced that they would be offering discounted tickets to some of their upcoming shows. The Fray, another favorite in the Alien/Caveman household, was part of that group- but they had Pit tickets right in front of the stage on sale- so I got two for Big Papi’s father’s day gift. Then, because curiosity got the better of me I thought why not look at the Coldplay tickets and see if there happened to be better tickets on sale.

YES! Seriously could not believe my eyes when I saw that I could get Pit tickets for Coldplay for less than $30 dollars each! Immediately I place my ticket order, and sure enough received two emails confirming ticket purchases.

Now what to do with the extra Coldplay tickets?

I decided to give them to friends of ours, Dr. Richie who is the world’s best vet, and the Bugg.

So the night of the show the kids are at a babysitter’s house and Big Papi and I head to will call to pick up our Pit tickets. First, the lady at the will call office does not have our tickets. Then the lady checks my last name and sees that yes we purchased Coldplay tickets. She prints out said tickets but they say “LAWN.” I am beginning to get upset. I say, “I paid for Pit tickets! Where are my Pit tickets, I know I have lawn tickets but I also bought Pit tickets!” The lady gets her manager, who proceeds to tell me that the Amphitheatre has not had Pit tickets for Coldplay for almost a month. I explain “well your website let me buy Pit tickets when y’all did the sale!” The lady said she would love to see the email, which of course my dumb butt didn’t think to print out. So there we were with lawn tickets, no pit tickets and oh yeah the Bugg and Dr. Richie are on their way!

I call my credit card company who ensure me that yes I did in fact make two purchases for tickets. Okay, so at this point I am upset because I might not be able to see my most favorite band on the planet because of a missing email! I convince Big Papi to drive across the street, losing our great parking space, so that I can check my email at the TCC’s library. Sure enough I did not purchase two Coldplay tickets but four Fray tickets.

I am in tears at this point, thinking that I am going to have to give up my tickets all together. Big Papi says no we are seeing this concert! So we get back into traffic and get into an argument because since I was the one to make such a huge mistake that we should buy new tickets and let the Bugg and Dr. Richie use ours. Big Papi does not like this, and tries to convince Dr. Richie of it but Dr. Richie was right that they were our guests and we should buy tickets. So Big Papi agrees finally and we head to meet them at the front gate.

As we are heading up they call us and say that why don’t we just see the show. They are going to another friend’s house to smoke cigars and drink beer.

At this point I am so ashamed of my mistake and also mad that Big Papi didn’t immediately say “look our bad we’ll get new tickets.” So when we get up to the ticket gate I see the Bugg and Dr. Richie off to the side and I want to go over and say I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t face them. You see these two guys are great; every person should be lucky enough to have friends like these. Here I am screwing it up over money basically and the fact that I did not make sure that I had the correct information.

The show was great, in fact Coldplay actually did a set on a stage in the lawn which I have never seen done. Yet, the whole time I felt horrible, especially during the song “Fix You” where the song starts:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Seriously at that moment I couldn’t stand the way I behaved that I once again let my emotions get the better of me. After the show we called the boys, and they sounded like they were having a fine time. Dr. Richie even told me a story about how he messed up an online purchase recently and that it could happen to anyone. I did offer Dr. Richie the other pair of Fray tickets since I originally gave him the pair of tickets, which he gladly accepted. Then he said something that amazed me and showed me why I want to be his friend in the first place. He said, “I was just honored that you would give me the tickets in the first place. That was really cool, thanks.”

After I wasted his time he said thanks to me. I have never been so humbled.

Now I am trying to convince the Bugg to let me buy him a ticket to the Fray if he also wants to come. He hasn’t called back yet, though I did talk to him the morning after. My hurting him is worse because for the last six months he has been one of my biggest supporters in dealing with the decision to attend UVA. If I call he is there- and not just because he is my pastor but because he is my friend. And I think I blew it. It just sucks to let down friends. I just don’t know how to say to the Bugg and Dr Richie “and I will try to fix you.”

Adventures in my own life

So I just realized that my 29th birthday is a week away.

Wow, one more year left in my twenties. To be perfectly honest (and when have I not been honest with this blog?) I am ready for my twenties to be over. I have had some great years especially 2002 when Big Papi and I officially started dating. I became a wife and mom in my twenties. I also was fearful in my twenties because what twenty-something isn’t terrified that someone might find out that we don’t have all our stuff together.

At this point in my life I didn’t think I would be where I am, but who really thinks when they take a left on the path of life that it will take them to a certain place. Personally I am fulfilled- husband, kids. And I am starting to come around professionally, I think, well it depends on the hour of the day.

I had thoughts of a bigger life, with amazing adventures. I thought at 30 I would be a successful writer. I lost that dream in my twenties; I stopped writing because I didn’t feel I could make it. My thoughts were that no one would want to read the ramblings from my mind. I let doubt sink in. Now I feel like I am playing catch up. I doubt everyday that my dream of being a paid writer won’t come true.

Doubt, along with guilt, is a constant companion for moms. “Is the Caveman eating enough protein?” “Should I have tried harder to breastfeed my children?” “Will my children need to have therapy after someone realizes I have no idea what I am actually doing?” “Will I be able to raise the Alien to value her soul more than her dress size?” Doubt, I find is really just an outlet for fear.

Admitting I am a fearful person is new, but I am standing in my truth and guess what I am fearful. It isn’t just the times we are living in but I try to look at the big picture and I see all the thousands of ways I can screw up my kids’ lives. Then they’ll have to seek help from people like Brynne who works with the most troubled kids in the world.

Fear is an easy place to remain in your life because the only expectation of living in fear is not doing anything. I know that standing in fear does not work for my life goals but my personal fears of everything from moldy food to my children being taken in the night is almost like a security blanket. Enough fear means I’m off the hook from my life.

In ten years, I want to look back at the decade that was my thirties and I want to see growth, a little bit more money in my pocket, happy kids and husband. Maybe I should accept that the Caveman and Big Papi who are sleeping cuddled together next to me is my greatest adventure.

While it is very “Hallmark moment” to say that my kids and husband are my greatest adventure, well that is selling me short. My entire life is an adventure; I just need to learn to go along with the ride.

The very normal anniversary

So today is Big Papi and I’s third wedding anniversary.

Pretty exciting except for the fact it was a Wednesday and really how can you possibly celebrate anything well on a Wednesday.

Wednesdays are my days off from my real job, but a day usually filled with many errands. This week has been crazy with appointments. The Alien had her regular nine month well baby visit- except she wasn’t well at all. On Monday she had a temperature of 104! Seriously high for an alien in my opinion but never fear is an ear infection. Ear infections with kids are like boo boos- they’re going to get them. Ear infections are pains in my neck.

So today literally I had the following: personal training appointment (trainer didn’t show up), freelance article interview (subject 20 minutes late), lab appointment to get blood drawn (only had to be poked once, a miracle), hair appointment (if I had to chose between Big Papi or my stylist I would have a hard choice), then to work (I know its my day off but I do own the company) to make confirmation calls. At work I discovered that Big Papi sent me flowers! They are gorgeous! Tip to my male readers if you are sending flowers send to office place so that she may show them off.

Sounds like a fun filled day but then comes: diet counseling!

Today it was the RN who took a look at my food journal and told me I had lost 5 pounds. She also told me it was mainly water, but still 5 pounds is a lot. We also set my goals for this week- track how much water I’m drinking, keep my walking up, I can sub one of the snot shakes for a meal (yeah no thanks I want to eat real food when I can even if it is salad), and keep the carbs under 100 grams a day.

The other thing the center offers is education classes. My instructor is adorable- and today’s topic metabolism. Today I took away from the class that it takes only 3500 calories to make one pound of fat. I also stocked up on my protein bars- caramel not so bad.

Big Papi and I decided to celebrate the anniversary by going out to dinner. This was not a romantic candle lit dinner- because joining us was the Caveman and Alien. We decide to go to Outback because I could get a high protein meal there without feeling deprived. Well I had picked up the Caveman from preschool so I met Big Papi at the restaurant. Now let me say that Big Papi knew I had a hair appointment. But Big Papi has a habit of not noticing hair changes.

I think this is a DNA flaw with straight men- gay men almost always notice hair changes. I once changed my light brown hair to a striking red and it took Big Papi a week to notice. This wouldn’t be a problem except Big Papi is 6’7 compared to my 5’5 self. Hello!

Anyway so we sit down to eat and the Caveman looks at me and says “Mommy’s hair is pretty.” Then Big Papi says “Yeah your hair is cool.” He had to have the two year old remind him to complement his wife’s hair.

This is just one of the reasons I love Big Papi. He is adorably clueless. This is not mean- just the facts.

On top of spaghetti- oh wait sorry that have carbs.

So I have started my new diet plan, and well it is an adjustment to say the least.

The first big change is this jump off program that I have been involved with for a week. Each day I start out with a protein shake. The flavors are chocolate, which isn’t so bad as long as it is ice cold, the other vanilla. The vanilla shake when made is the consistency of snot. It even looks like yellow, thick snot, but it does taste like vanilla, well kind of. Then I have a high protein snack like a protein bar which is actually really good. Lunch is a big green salad with lean protein, like chicken or fish. I have another snack and then dinner is lean protein, some more salad and colorful veggies.

Have you noticed what I’m not eating? That’s right gang carbs! Seriously I vowed to never do a high protein diet- but here I am limited to 100 grams of carbohydrates a day. That isn’t a lot. A half cup serving of pasta for example has 43 grams of carbs. Who only eats a half cup of pasta at one time! So really the diet is based on eating lots of protein, fresh fruits and veggies. I also discount the amount of fiber grams from the total carbs. If the total amount of carbs on the package is 10 grams but there are 6 grams of fiber then I only count four grams to my daily total. The Diet Guru tells me to avoid “red flag” foods, those that I can’t stop eating once I started. Well guess what- I want some freakin carbs!

I have been having dreams of brown rice with champagne chicken. Mounds of pasta covered in pesto. Brownies!

The low carb think only lasts another week, but man this is so hard. Crazy Grandma has been very encouraging. She reminds me that last year I gave up all soda, even diet. I did survive that, but this is different. I am forced to plan my meals, which I know is a good thing. Yet for 28 years I have just done what I wanted. Yes that is probably why I am going through this process now- but damn it I am in my bedroom far away from the kitchen because I know a ton of pasta is in boxes waiting to be donated to the local food bank.

Before anyone messages me about the fact that I can have whole grain carbs it isn’t that simple for me. Bread, pasta, rice are all “red flag” foods for me. I can keep eating them until I want to throw up. This is something I have never revealed to anyone and yet here I am on the blog saying it out loud to God knows how many people. I am like an alcoholic but my drug of choice is food.

The other thing I have to do is write everything I eat down. I am starting to notice my personal triggers for junk food binges. One I am noticing is when I am on campus I have a desire to eat snack cakes. These are not things I normally eat, but the vending machine beckons saying, “put that dollar in me. That’s right. Now, now push the buttons. Oh just like that. I’ll give you what you like.” So the other day I do just that not thinking because it was right before I huge biology test and I was stressed. I purchased the item and turned around and saw the small snack cake had 83 grams of carbs! So I threw them away. That right there is a huge step for me because before I would have just eaten them without thinking about it. Without being truly hungry, I would inject months old snack cakes because really I was nervous about a test.

I am trying to find these victories every day. Some are better like yesterday my family went to an amusement park and I was surrounded by handmade fudge, giant soft pretzels, and towering ice cream cones. I didn’t buy any of it.

The no carb thing is also giving me a horrible headache all the time. The diet guru warned me about this happening, but man when the cravings hit my head feels like it is going to explode. This must be a very mild example of what it is like to withdraw from drugs.

I plan on keeping everyone posted because frankly I have never been on a diet where I told the world. Well if I am being honest with myself I have never been on a diet where I told anyone. To be on a diet feels like failure from the start because my body won’t do what I want it to. I want to be able to eat what I want when I wanted. My challenge is letting this go. I am not built to be able to eat anything because when I eat anything I don’t want to stop.

"Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups". - Cathy Guisewite

So this weekend I realize that I can’t always be there for the Caveman and Alien’s first moments.

This weekend our church is hosting an Easter egg hunt which the Caveman is finally old enough to participate in. I have an algebra test on Saturday during the hunt. I am going to miss the Caveman holding his basket looking for eggs. I feel guilty.

When I was pregnant with the Caveman I was a manager of a Lotion Land working an average of 50 hours a week. I realized that my weekends and holidays would likely be spent in a mall selling lotion to the masses and not at baseball games, birthday parties, and holiday celebrations. I gave up that life because I wanted to be there for those important events in my children’s lives. Never did I imagine that even with this change there would still be certain moments I would miss.

This guilty feeling has me thinking that it is so important not to become so engrossed in the kids’ lives that you lose yourself. I saw this Monday’s Oprah and she was talking to moms. This conversation was different because they really talked about everything it is to be a mommy. The one theme that I realize is motherhood is sacrifice.

One of the members of the mommy panel mentioned that no one told her about the sacrifices you make to be a mommy. I thought that was silly at first because everyone should know the second you get pregnant you are already sacrificing happy hours, coffee, and sushi. Not to mention the actual birth process should be right up there for nomination of a Nobel Prize. I believe if men had to give birth there would be awards or Medals of Honor for surviving. The only Medal of Honor I have is the stretch marks- yeah those aren’t exactly exciting to show off. Or you should earn hazard pay for the amount of body fluids you come into contact with. I never knew how often a nine month old baby could pee.

No those sacrifices and the lack of sleep are to be expected. What I miss when I had children is the ability to leave the house without carrying at least one diaper bag. I long for the ability of being able to go out with my girlfriends without a conference with my husband. I no longer burn candles. I am a regular buyer of chocolate milk. I know all the words to the Elmo potty DVD. No adult should have to watch Elmo repeatedly- and if you do enjoy the Elmo as an adult seriously I believe you need help. The one thing that really annoys me is when I am finally able to sit down and eat my dinner after making sure the Caveman and Alien have had theirs is when the Caveman comes up and asks for a bite. We are trying to break him of this habit but it still involves me stopping my meal to tell him no.

The one thing no one could really prepare me for is the amount of guilt involved with kids. I feel guilty when I punish the Caveman. I feel guilty when I let the Alien cry it out in her crib instead of getting up from my bed. When I send the kids off in the morning with Big Papi to be dropped off at the preschool and sitter’s I feel guilty. When I write this blog and whine about all the little things that someday I’ll look back and wish I could have one more day of the Caveman and Alien’s antics, I feel guilty.
Guilt along with love is the constant emotion of motherhood. I challenge any mother to try to think of a moment when you do not feel guilty.

I don’t want people to think that motherhood is all bad but I agree with the comments from that show that you have to let go of the woman you were before kids, and not feel guilty about mourning her. Pre-mommy women are amazing and never realize how great they have it. My pre-mommy self will never fully coming back. This is hard for me to admit because I feel guilty for wanting her back. My children should complete me. Well guess what, I didn’t know I was incomplete in the first place.

For myself there is still traces of that fun loving independent woman, she just is a little more patient. Maybe that is the true beauty of being a mother; the life you change is not just your child’s but your own.

So this weekend, while the Caveman chases the Easter Bunny, I will be sharpening my pencils. I will be in a classroom reaching for myself so that I can better reach for my children. And Big Papi had better take a ton of pictures!