"Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups". - Cathy Guisewite

So this weekend I realize that I can’t always be there for the Caveman and Alien’s first moments.

This weekend our church is hosting an Easter egg hunt which the Caveman is finally old enough to participate in. I have an algebra test on Saturday during the hunt. I am going to miss the Caveman holding his basket looking for eggs. I feel guilty.

When I was pregnant with the Caveman I was a manager of a Lotion Land working an average of 50 hours a week. I realized that my weekends and holidays would likely be spent in a mall selling lotion to the masses and not at baseball games, birthday parties, and holiday celebrations. I gave up that life because I wanted to be there for those important events in my children’s lives. Never did I imagine that even with this change there would still be certain moments I would miss.

This guilty feeling has me thinking that it is so important not to become so engrossed in the kids’ lives that you lose yourself. I saw this Monday’s Oprah and she was talking to moms. This conversation was different because they really talked about everything it is to be a mommy. The one theme that I realize is motherhood is sacrifice.

One of the members of the mommy panel mentioned that no one told her about the sacrifices you make to be a mommy. I thought that was silly at first because everyone should know the second you get pregnant you are already sacrificing happy hours, coffee, and sushi. Not to mention the actual birth process should be right up there for nomination of a Nobel Prize. I believe if men had to give birth there would be awards or Medals of Honor for surviving. The only Medal of Honor I have is the stretch marks- yeah those aren’t exactly exciting to show off. Or you should earn hazard pay for the amount of body fluids you come into contact with. I never knew how often a nine month old baby could pee.

No those sacrifices and the lack of sleep are to be expected. What I miss when I had children is the ability to leave the house without carrying at least one diaper bag. I long for the ability of being able to go out with my girlfriends without a conference with my husband. I no longer burn candles. I am a regular buyer of chocolate milk. I know all the words to the Elmo potty DVD. No adult should have to watch Elmo repeatedly- and if you do enjoy the Elmo as an adult seriously I believe you need help. The one thing that really annoys me is when I am finally able to sit down and eat my dinner after making sure the Caveman and Alien have had theirs is when the Caveman comes up and asks for a bite. We are trying to break him of this habit but it still involves me stopping my meal to tell him no.

The one thing no one could really prepare me for is the amount of guilt involved with kids. I feel guilty when I punish the Caveman. I feel guilty when I let the Alien cry it out in her crib instead of getting up from my bed. When I send the kids off in the morning with Big Papi to be dropped off at the preschool and sitter’s I feel guilty. When I write this blog and whine about all the little things that someday I’ll look back and wish I could have one more day of the Caveman and Alien’s antics, I feel guilty.
Guilt along with love is the constant emotion of motherhood. I challenge any mother to try to think of a moment when you do not feel guilty.

I don’t want people to think that motherhood is all bad but I agree with the comments from that show that you have to let go of the woman you were before kids, and not feel guilty about mourning her. Pre-mommy women are amazing and never realize how great they have it. My pre-mommy self will never fully coming back. This is hard for me to admit because I feel guilty for wanting her back. My children should complete me. Well guess what, I didn’t know I was incomplete in the first place.

For myself there is still traces of that fun loving independent woman, she just is a little more patient. Maybe that is the true beauty of being a mother; the life you change is not just your child’s but your own.

So this weekend, while the Caveman chases the Easter Bunny, I will be sharpening my pencils. I will be in a classroom reaching for myself so that I can better reach for my children. And Big Papi had better take a ton of pictures!

Tying Up Loose Ends

So being a college student in my late 20s is interesting. The first thing is the constant comparisons to my former college experience that wasn’t fulfilling other than my internship in Disney World and my work in school council and on the newspaper. I think the biggest difference is that the motivator for me going to school is to tie up loose ends.

I have a habit of starting things and not finishing them. College is one of those things. I wanted to go away to school for many reasons that don’t seem that important at this stage in my life. When I attended my first college I felt lost. I didn’t find my way and I was very unhappy. I messed up a few semesters and failed quite a few classes. The school year before the internship I was doing well, working for the school paper. I had actually made a group of friends on campus and was finding my spot. Then I lost my job with Lotion Land the first time (another story for another time) and the opportunity to go away seemed really appealing. I was 21 in a bad relationship (again another story) and wanted to be my own person somewhere else. I actually was accepted byDisney and in the field I wanted to work in, which I couldn’t believe because the competition is strong.

Orlando changed who I was. I dumped the bad boyfriend. Single for the first time in five years I was at first lonely and once again felt lost. Quickly it suddenly became routine to see Mickey everyday or watch a family come in from an afternoon storm and stock up on oversize lollipops and mouse ears. Even in the country’s darkest time (I was one of the cast members who helped close the Magic Kingdom on September 11th) I still felt comfort when an international guest said “we’re with you.” I learned who I was without my parents, a boyfriend, or even my group of friends. For the first time in my life I was truly myself, loud, opinionated without shame. I didn’t have the baggage of having a past. The experience was liberating.

Then I came back and everything on campus had changed. The friends I had made the year before had either graduated or were different. Even my position on campus had changed within the newspaper. All the progress I made the year before was gone and I had to start at square one. I didn’t like my classes and I was just over the whole thing. I quit.

Looking back I realized that I didn’t ask for help from the college when I needed it. I jumped into 300 level English courses without waiting to take the basic freshman-sophomore courses. Not using the resources on campus was a disadvantage of being a commuter student.

This time I am doing everything right and it shows in my happiness and success so far. The first thing I did when deciding to go back to school was consult with people who actually knew about college. Then I actually talked to the counseling department about what direction should I go and what classes should I take. These small steps have made all the difference.

The other thing I am noticing is the practical application of the knowledge I am soaking in. Just the other day I was in a debate over government involvement over the smoking ban pasted by the Virginia Assembly I was able to quote Abigail Adams. Or today when a client was on the phone and said he last name was “Krebs” and I said “oh like the Krebs’ cycle” and the guy said “wow, hardly anyone knows about that.” (The Krebs cycle is a part of photosynthesis you should Wikipedia it).

Yet, the main reason that I am excited about the prospect of finishing my degree is that it gives me a paper saying that I am able to complete something. It shows to others that I am able to set a goal, follow the steps and finish.

My challenge is for everyone to find one loose end, no matter how small and tie it up. I think that loose ends are really the regrets of our lives. The things we wish we could change. It could be something as simple as finally reading War and Peace or learning how to knit. Or maybe it is a bigger goal- like a college education. My hope is that by finishing my college experience the way I want I will stay out of the way of the Caveman and Alien when it is their time at bat.

Splish, splash I might be taken a bath

So the Bugg has invited Big Papi and I out for New Year’s Eve, very exciting. A new character to the Caveman and Alien universe, the Bugg is actually one of the ministers at our church, and he happens to be our age.

The age thing freaks me out.

Seriously, how can someone my age be a whole minister who is allow guide people? Or doctor or lawyer- insane! Or maybe I just feel this way because I have still not figured out what I want to be when I am a grown up.

The Bugg is a very interesting guy if you look past what he does for a living; I mean how many people do you know who collects a paycheck from Jesus? He is single ladies, and very adorable and well spoken and well read (he actually knows who Whitman is, and not the candy company). Also he seems to like polar plunging.

Polar plunging is an event where seemingly normal adults go into freezing cold water for fun. Many times it is to raise money for charity, which is awesome. However tonight Big Papi and I will be surrounded by people who want to jump into the Chesapeake Bay just for the fun of it.

Maybe it is the mommy in me, but I don’t see how jumping into the Chesapeake Bay in January while it is 26 degrees outside with winds blowing northwest at 20-30 miles per hour seems like a good idea. Yet, the woman who desperately wants to break free from always appearing like someone’s mommy kind of wants to be silly and take a big jump into the Bay.

It has been a long time since I have had the chance to try something daring, well besides giving birth. I have never been one to take chances, and I think that is a problem in my own life. When you are afraid of taking chances you live life with regrets. I don’t want to walk away from tonight wishing I had jumped.

Yet the grown up in me sees that if I jump into the water I could catch cold, and man do I sound old. Yet even as a kid I have been this way. During swimming lesions when all the other kids were learning to jump into deep water I held back, something inside me held me back.

As an adult I want to try new things. 2008 represented the end of a cycle for me, I was in a funk but I am starting to come out of it. 2009 represents for me new start, as I want to focus on actually living my life instead of just surviving it.

I won’t know until later this evening if I’ll be dripping wet from the cold water, but I do know that it is progress on my part that I am even considering it.

Finally a real decision

I have made a major decision. I am going for the big girl degree from UVa in the fall- and I am so excited. For those who know me this has been a journey since I was 14 to get to this point. When I announced my decision to my family my step father, UVa alum, said “this time you’re ready.”

This made me think, are we ever ready for what life throws at us? A year ago, while I was barely pregnant with the Alien if you had told me I would be a full time student and a writer I would have laughed. Then if you added that I could be attending UVa I would have called you a liar and cruel.

For me the biggest regret in my life was not going to UVa the first time. Like my step dad said, I wasn’t ready. I had the grades, but not the attitude or the drive to make it. Now at almost 30 I am trying for the right reasons.

I realize I could attend a very good local college, a college where I could train in specific writing to make me more marketable. That isn’t what I want, I want to be a Wahoo; I want to walk the lawn. I want no regrets in my life, so come August- if I keep getting the grades I’m getting I’ll be an official Wahoo! Now if only I could get the Caveman to pee-pee in his potty, then life will be perfect.