On top of spaghetti- oh wait sorry that have carbs.

So I have started my new diet plan, and well it is an adjustment to say the least.

The first big change is this jump off program that I have been involved with for a week. Each day I start out with a protein shake. The flavors are chocolate, which isn’t so bad as long as it is ice cold, the other vanilla. The vanilla shake when made is the consistency of snot. It even looks like yellow, thick snot, but it does taste like vanilla, well kind of. Then I have a high protein snack like a protein bar which is actually really good. Lunch is a big green salad with lean protein, like chicken or fish. I have another snack and then dinner is lean protein, some more salad and colorful veggies.

Have you noticed what I’m not eating? That’s right gang carbs! Seriously I vowed to never do a high protein diet- but here I am limited to 100 grams of carbohydrates a day. That isn’t a lot. A half cup serving of pasta for example has 43 grams of carbs. Who only eats a half cup of pasta at one time! So really the diet is based on eating lots of protein, fresh fruits and veggies. I also discount the amount of fiber grams from the total carbs. If the total amount of carbs on the package is 10 grams but there are 6 grams of fiber then I only count four grams to my daily total. The Diet Guru tells me to avoid “red flag” foods, those that I can’t stop eating once I started. Well guess what- I want some freakin carbs!

I have been having dreams of brown rice with champagne chicken. Mounds of pasta covered in pesto. Brownies!

The low carb think only lasts another week, but man this is so hard. Crazy Grandma has been very encouraging. She reminds me that last year I gave up all soda, even diet. I did survive that, but this is different. I am forced to plan my meals, which I know is a good thing. Yet for 28 years I have just done what I wanted. Yes that is probably why I am going through this process now- but damn it I am in my bedroom far away from the kitchen because I know a ton of pasta is in boxes waiting to be donated to the local food bank.

Before anyone messages me about the fact that I can have whole grain carbs it isn’t that simple for me. Bread, pasta, rice are all “red flag” foods for me. I can keep eating them until I want to throw up. This is something I have never revealed to anyone and yet here I am on the blog saying it out loud to God knows how many people. I am like an alcoholic but my drug of choice is food.

The other thing I have to do is write everything I eat down. I am starting to notice my personal triggers for junk food binges. One I am noticing is when I am on campus I have a desire to eat snack cakes. These are not things I normally eat, but the vending machine beckons saying, “put that dollar in me. That’s right. Now, now push the buttons. Oh just like that. I’ll give you what you like.” So the other day I do just that not thinking because it was right before I huge biology test and I was stressed. I purchased the item and turned around and saw the small snack cake had 83 grams of carbs! So I threw them away. That right there is a huge step for me because before I would have just eaten them without thinking about it. Without being truly hungry, I would inject months old snack cakes because really I was nervous about a test.

I am trying to find these victories every day. Some are better like yesterday my family went to an amusement park and I was surrounded by handmade fudge, giant soft pretzels, and towering ice cream cones. I didn’t buy any of it.

The no carb thing is also giving me a horrible headache all the time. The diet guru warned me about this happening, but man when the cravings hit my head feels like it is going to explode. This must be a very mild example of what it is like to withdraw from drugs.

I plan on keeping everyone posted because frankly I have never been on a diet where I told the world. Well if I am being honest with myself I have never been on a diet where I told anyone. To be on a diet feels like failure from the start because my body won’t do what I want it to. I want to be able to eat what I want when I wanted. My challenge is letting this go. I am not built to be able to eat anything because when I eat anything I don’t want to stop.

It takes a village to fit into my skinny jeans

So I finally made a huge choice to take control of my health.

I have always been heavy but after having the Caveman and Alien I have ballooned into something between the blob and Slimmer from Ghostbusters. I can’t find pants that work. I don’t remember the last time I was able to walk into a store and find something really cute to wear has been awhile. Well with the exception of the amazing coat I purchased from Lane Bryant in January

At almost 30 years old I am tipping the scales at my largest size ever and it is scary. The problem is I have been working really hard at exercising, watching my fat and carbs- without any real results. So frustrating!

The other problem is since the Alien was born is that I am super tired. My monthly friend” has been visiting every two weeks. I am irritable and even with eight hours of sleep I never feel rested.

The problem with feeling this way is that is feels like defeat. Giving birth is performing the most amazing miracle God has ever created. My body now I feel is betraying me after doing so well with my children. I feel like a failure because I haven’t bounced back to my pre-baby weight.

I bet a lot of other mommies feel the same way. Between everything a mom has to go through for her children it is a wonder than most women are still upright.

So I am asking for help. I am checking to make sure that my body chemistry is where it is suppose to be. Even doing this I still feel like a failure because I can’t exercise enough or starve myself thin. I don’t think I am made that way.

To feel like an awesome mommy you can’t ask for help. You are supposed to “raise” your own kid and not drop them with a grandparent or gasp a day care! There should be no village. Especially with something so mundane as what really is a silly issue such as my weight.

Well this mommy is asking the village- help!

On April’s Fools day I am hoping to get some answers to why my body isn’t working- and I am hoping that Dr. Clarke doesn’t think that I am a joke.