Guess who's back, back again!

So, I was hiding.

I know, I know, prompt blog writers are at it everyday. However I am assuming that most blog writers are not attending classes in the summer time- sixteen weeks worth of education squeezed into ten. This summer to say the least has been interesting.

The first big news is that the Alien turns one today! Seriously amazing; this time last year I was getting hooked up to meds that forced the birth of my child, not pleasant. Now the Alien is this bright, shiny sunshine in my life. Her sparkling blue eyes that light up when I walk into the room. The cries of “ma- ma” (yes actually calling me ma-ma.) She is starting to stand on her own and attack the Caveman, at a kid level life is good.



Another piece of amazing news is that I am a proper Wahoo! This tidbit I have been holding out sharing because part of me still does not believe that a path I stepped on almost twenty years ago is finally clear of the biggest road hazard. Virginia actually wants me. Yet, there is a line from the musical Wicked where Glenda finally gets what she wants and sings “That’s why I couldn’t be happier, no I couldn’t be happier. But, it is I admit the tiniest bit unlike I anticipated.” When you want something so bad, when it becomes everything you are working for and then you actually get what you want so then what?



The big thing going on this summer however is not all sunshine like a one-year old birthday or the accomplishment of finally being accepted at the one place I have been pressing my nose against the glass since I was 12. No the biggest news is that Big Papi and I are in a rough patch and are currently in couple’s therapy. This period in my life has been painful and lonely because I have not wanted to share this with too many people. Who wants to have a conversation about why you think your marriage of less than four years is not working. Plus sharing it with the world, especially people who are not involved with our daily lives is scary because the judgment that comes with a woman complaining that her man isn’t enough.


Yes, I said it. Imagine being on a long beach holding a rope and dragging everyone on a sled. My kids, house, career, dreams, hope, vision are all on this sled. Right now I am pulling it alone, without help from my husband. Now, let me be very clear Big Papi is a good, kind man. He is an amazing father. I love him; made children with him, that’s why as I type tears are welling up.

Big Papi is not living to his potential in many ways. Some days that sled is really heavy with all that I have put on it. Once in awhile I want him to help pull the rope or get some stuff off my sled and carry it awhile for me. So much is on a mom’s plate because if the kids are hurting it is the mother who is judge. Big Papi isn’t doing his part getting us to the next step.

I don’t feel comfortable explaining exactly what is going on, but he has the opportunity to finish something every important and is unwilling to find out how to finish. This goal is one that so many people want to accomplish, and he has at most six months work to do to complete. Frustratingly he gives no reason for finishing or promises to get the information and never does.


He is 32 and at this very moment is perfectly happy to stay as he is. As I change and grow, especially reaching my 30s I want my husband to grow with me. My fear is that I as I grow, I grow further away from him.

Adventures in my own life

So I just realized that my 29th birthday is a week away.

Wow, one more year left in my twenties. To be perfectly honest (and when have I not been honest with this blog?) I am ready for my twenties to be over. I have had some great years especially 2002 when Big Papi and I officially started dating. I became a wife and mom in my twenties. I also was fearful in my twenties because what twenty-something isn’t terrified that someone might find out that we don’t have all our stuff together.

At this point in my life I didn’t think I would be where I am, but who really thinks when they take a left on the path of life that it will take them to a certain place. Personally I am fulfilled- husband, kids. And I am starting to come around professionally, I think, well it depends on the hour of the day.

I had thoughts of a bigger life, with amazing adventures. I thought at 30 I would be a successful writer. I lost that dream in my twenties; I stopped writing because I didn’t feel I could make it. My thoughts were that no one would want to read the ramblings from my mind. I let doubt sink in. Now I feel like I am playing catch up. I doubt everyday that my dream of being a paid writer won’t come true.

Doubt, along with guilt, is a constant companion for moms. “Is the Caveman eating enough protein?” “Should I have tried harder to breastfeed my children?” “Will my children need to have therapy after someone realizes I have no idea what I am actually doing?” “Will I be able to raise the Alien to value her soul more than her dress size?” Doubt, I find is really just an outlet for fear.

Admitting I am a fearful person is new, but I am standing in my truth and guess what I am fearful. It isn’t just the times we are living in but I try to look at the big picture and I see all the thousands of ways I can screw up my kids’ lives. Then they’ll have to seek help from people like Brynne who works with the most troubled kids in the world.

Fear is an easy place to remain in your life because the only expectation of living in fear is not doing anything. I know that standing in fear does not work for my life goals but my personal fears of everything from moldy food to my children being taken in the night is almost like a security blanket. Enough fear means I’m off the hook from my life.

In ten years, I want to look back at the decade that was my thirties and I want to see growth, a little bit more money in my pocket, happy kids and husband. Maybe I should accept that the Caveman and Big Papi who are sleeping cuddled together next to me is my greatest adventure.

While it is very “Hallmark moment” to say that my kids and husband are my greatest adventure, well that is selling me short. My entire life is an adventure; I just need to learn to go along with the ride.