Adventures in my own life

So I just realized that my 29th birthday is a week away.

Wow, one more year left in my twenties. To be perfectly honest (and when have I not been honest with this blog?) I am ready for my twenties to be over. I have had some great years especially 2002 when Big Papi and I officially started dating. I became a wife and mom in my twenties. I also was fearful in my twenties because what twenty-something isn’t terrified that someone might find out that we don’t have all our stuff together.

At this point in my life I didn’t think I would be where I am, but who really thinks when they take a left on the path of life that it will take them to a certain place. Personally I am fulfilled- husband, kids. And I am starting to come around professionally, I think, well it depends on the hour of the day.

I had thoughts of a bigger life, with amazing adventures. I thought at 30 I would be a successful writer. I lost that dream in my twenties; I stopped writing because I didn’t feel I could make it. My thoughts were that no one would want to read the ramblings from my mind. I let doubt sink in. Now I feel like I am playing catch up. I doubt everyday that my dream of being a paid writer won’t come true.

Doubt, along with guilt, is a constant companion for moms. “Is the Caveman eating enough protein?” “Should I have tried harder to breastfeed my children?” “Will my children need to have therapy after someone realizes I have no idea what I am actually doing?” “Will I be able to raise the Alien to value her soul more than her dress size?” Doubt, I find is really just an outlet for fear.

Admitting I am a fearful person is new, but I am standing in my truth and guess what I am fearful. It isn’t just the times we are living in but I try to look at the big picture and I see all the thousands of ways I can screw up my kids’ lives. Then they’ll have to seek help from people like Brynne who works with the most troubled kids in the world.

Fear is an easy place to remain in your life because the only expectation of living in fear is not doing anything. I know that standing in fear does not work for my life goals but my personal fears of everything from moldy food to my children being taken in the night is almost like a security blanket. Enough fear means I’m off the hook from my life.

In ten years, I want to look back at the decade that was my thirties and I want to see growth, a little bit more money in my pocket, happy kids and husband. Maybe I should accept that the Caveman and Big Papi who are sleeping cuddled together next to me is my greatest adventure.

While it is very “Hallmark moment” to say that my kids and husband are my greatest adventure, well that is selling me short. My entire life is an adventure; I just need to learn to go along with the ride.