Caveman this is not an all you can eat buffet!

So, several revelations today in the Caveman/Alien universe.

The first is that ha ha Crazy Grandma was wrong! See the Caveman has to wear glasses but the problem with this is that the Caveman is a three year old force of nature and often the glasses are not on his face. In fact I know I am a terrible mother to admit this but his glasses have been lost more than he has actually worn them. Crazy Grandma being a typical grandma thought the solution would be to get the Caveman more durable glasses with the hook looking arms. Well the nice people at the eye glass shop told her that no matter what the Caveman is three and well three year old boys are prone to getting to know their eye shop professionals as they need adjustments at least every month. Plus, the glasses that Big Papi and I selected were ideal for his daily use. Now Crazy Grandma tried to say she wanted to get another pair of glasses because his were lost, and that I will give her partial credit for. But, the sweet victory of the eye glass professional saying that the mom actually selected an appropriate pair of glasses despite the misgivings of a grandma is simply priceless.

The second is a list of everything the Caveman ate today. One brown sugar pop tart, a three pack of Chick-fil-a breakfast minis, a full size Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit, two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (well the middles) a pint of strawberries, a few chocolate chip cookies, a pack of Annie's Homegrown Chocolate Bunny Grahams, and a bowl of pork fried rice. What in the world! He is three, and the only reason he had the chicken biscuit was that the restaurant put an extra in the bag. While waiting to meet Crazy Grandma and the glasses shop I brought the Caveman to work with me. I put the extra biscuit on the desk to give to a co-worker when I turned around and the Caveman was eating the biscuit. The peanut butter sandwiches, strawberries, and chocolate chip cookies were with Crazy Grandma. But still what in the world is going on with the Caveman? Big Papi claims it is just a growth spurt but still- tomorrow I am completely making the biggest salad for lunch because I think he is going to need to be cleaned out.

The third is when the Alien is pissed off everyone knows about it. Friday nights usually means take out, I know not original but after a long week between teaching, working, writing and studying I just need a night off. I wanted Chinese and it is always faster if Big Papi picks up the order. He normally goes by himself but decided to bring the Caveman along. The problem with this is that while Big Papi was getting the Caveman ready to go the Alien was getting herself ready to go as well. With a hat on her head as the boys headed out she believed that she was going right along with Daddy and Caveman. Big Papi tried to get her to hang out with me in the back of the house in the "man room" but she is clever and ran out after she heard the front door close. Going through the house crying "Dahey Dahey" the Alien was looking for Big Papi when all the sudden Big Papi came back into the house because God forbid he go out into the rain barely five feet to his car without a hoodie. The Alien cheerfully greets Big Papi and then becomes heartbroken as he and the Caveman leave without her.

You know when you stub your toe so hard the wind get knock out of you and it is at least 30 seconds before you scream out in pain. Well that my faithful reader is the cry the Alien had after Big Papi left without her. She screamed so loudly I am surprised the neighbors did not hear. The only way to get her to calm down was to first show her baby pictures of herself (my she is vain) and allow her to pull Kleenexes out of the box.

Tomorrow expect another great adventure- we sign up the Caveman for preschool! OMG seriously I might faint.

A Conversation with the Caveman

So the Caveman is starting to see the difference between boys and girls.

Thank goodness he isn't pointing out body parts or anything but at three it is interesting that he notices the differences. Sometimes when he is in a mood he'll point and say "Mommy I'm going to turn you into a girl" like that is a bad thing. Or he will point out "Mommy the Alien is a girl and I am a boy."

I wanted to get to the bottom of this so I interviewed the Caveman.

Mommy: What does it mean to be a boy?"

Caveman: "Because I don't like you"

Mommy: "So if you're a boy you don't like them?"

Caveman: "I like boys and I like girls too?"

Mommy: "What do you like best about girls?"

Caveman: "No! I've got sticky feet."

Mommy: "Can boys love boys?"

Caveman: "I love boys, I have to go potty"

Mommy: "Who are the girls?"

Caveman: "They go potty. Its hero time"

Mommy: "So are boys and girls different?"

Caveman: "yes"

Mommy: "how are they different?"

Caveman: "You be Dora"

Mommy: "Caveman what does Mommy do at work?"

Caveman: "Goes to school, do homework"

Mommy: "How do I do homework?"

Caveman: "You get the papers"

Mommy: "What about Daddy what is your favorite thing about Daddy?"

Caveman: "He does monies"

Mommy: "What about the Alien?"

Caveman: "Nite Nite"

Mommy: What is your favorite thing about yourself?

Caveman: "Be Diego and Sportacus too"

Mommy: "If you could have anything in the world what would it be?"

Caveman: "Green"

Mommy: "What does Sessy do?"

Caveman: "Read books"

Mommy: "Dude-pa?"

Caveman: "Takes walks"

Mommy: "Pa-Pa?"

Caveman: "Helps open my presents"

Mommy: "Titi?"

Caveman: "She does homework too like you Mommy but I do homework too from my own computer. Guess what it is green!"

Mommy: "What about Grandma?"

Caveman: "Her make lunch and read books like you Mommy"

Mommy: "So do you have anything you want to share with our readers?"

Caveman: "That my monies. To put them in the piggy bank in my pig. Yes, and I want to be Sportacus and Diego. I want to be the boys. You're a girl- that means go potty and boys too. It hero time!"

Mommy: "Caveman, what does it mean to be a hero?"

Caveman: "It is pretend but I am not going to stomp on you. I'm going to be nice"

Caveman you are smarter than mommy gives you credit for sometimes.

Ten Times the Charm

So, the morning the Alien tested all my abilities.

I guess when you know that you are cute and adorable you feel the need to get away with things. Mornings are not my best time of day, I am really good about mid day- if only the children in the household would get on board with this plan of not waking up until 11. Well that and also my job but anyways so I am not the most approachable in the morning. Yet this morning was different. I immediately got up fought the Caveman over him getting out of the bathroom so mommy could do her business. Had my ten minutes of devotional time things are looking good.

Until I walk into the living room and see all the kids' books all over the floor surrounding the Alien. Now I know I should be excited that she wants to look at the book and I am but there is no need to ever have the amount of the children's section of Barnes and Noble on my living room floor while reading. I told the Alien, "time to clean up!" which she responded "NO!"

The Alien has learned the word no in many ways particularly to her brother saying "No! Mine!" She sometimes reminds me of the creepy green hobbit thing from the Lord of the Rings "my own my precious." And since I understand the longing to have stuff I can appreciate that she does not want the Caveman to take her things. Plus it is hilarious to listen to her say "No! Mine!" Well that is until it happens to you.

With books on the floor I pick the Alien up and plant her on the floor and say "Clean Up" and then comes the first of ten count them ten hissy fits so loud I wonder if the neighbors think I am abusing this child. Ten trips to the time out corner and finally the Alien picked up the books.

This makes me think that is this just the beginning of many battles over stuff like cleaning? My hope is that by drawing my line in the sand now before she is two that the battles over skirt length when she is 13 won't be as bad.

I think I understand why my mom drank so much wine when I was a teenager.

Thank Heaven For Little Aliens

So, the difference between boys and girls is simply amazing.

This morning as I am sitting in my bedroom hearing the sounds of Big Papi and the Caveman play fighting in the Caveman's bedroom the Alien walks in. I haven't really written much about the Alien because well she was a baby and the second one doesn't surprise you as much as the first. I think having them so close also affects the surprise factor because the Caveman was not even two when I had the Alien so I was already dealing with bottles and diapers and lots of sleepless nights.

But, lately boy the Alien is really coming into her own! No longer just a side kick for the Caveman, the Alien is playing on her own, making decisions and is getting into trouble all on her own too. Her favorite crime is playing with the toilet. Thanks Alien, I already spend more time there than the average 30-year old because the Caveman thinks he needs to either go potty or brush his teeth every five minutes. Now because of her toilet fascination I am forced to keep the toilet completely clean because we all know what goes on down there. Add a 20-month old to the mix and it isn't pretty. And before you comment (all five of you) telling me about the fact I could child proof the potty you do not have a three year old little boy being potty trained and from the time he tells me he needs to go pee pee I have about 30 seconds to get him not only to the bathroom, pull down his pants, and then get him on the potty. If you add me unlocking the toilet every time to that mix and well there would be a lot of mommy cleaning the bathroom floor.

The Caveman never wanted to play with the toilet. Of course I could be blocking that out like most women block out the pain from childbirth. After all, we know that it happened but somehow foreget when a new baby is placed in our arms.

The Alien does just play with the toilet though; she is the girliest girl I have seen in a long time. Unlike the Caveman who would do anything to avoid getting his nails cut, the Alien sits there and giggles. But, the Caveman will go to time out serve his time and be done with it. The Alien goes through several octave changes before settling on scream level 12 and then continues to get out of the time out corner so many times instead of a one-minute time out she gets a 20-minute time out.

She already wants to play with dolls and even when she eats she is neater than the Caveman. The Alien is all little girl, and I would not have it any other way.

You’re a Mean One Mommy Dearest!

So, guess who had a life altering moment with the Caveman today?

That's right folks mommy had an interesting moment when after hours of yelling, threatening, begging I had it with the Caveman not cleaning up his playroom. This child has acquired the bad habit of not putting things away, largely learned from Big Papi and myself. Big Papi and I are not what you would call organized in fact Crazy Grandma has often suggested that we hire professionals to organize our house.

Well as I approach 30 I am tired of my house looking like the aftermath of a natural disaster. I want my home to be as close to an Ikea, Pottery Barn or at least a Target ad as possible. I realize that in real life, especially with a three and nineteen month old that is nearly impossible; but with as crazy as my life has become in recent months I need to do my part in making sure my home truly is my haven.

The Caveman is not cooperating with the plan however and both Big Papi and I have had enough. I brought out a large black trash bag that we have for yard debris and told the Caveman to take any toy that was on the floor and put in the trash bag. The tears and screams were many as the Caveman put his beloved fire trucks, cars, balls, stuffed animals and blocks into not one but two large bags. We have the lovely Ikea toy bins so any toys that were in the bins were spared. I told the Caveman that since he treated his toys like trash the toys were going to the trash.

After the room was clean and my little man was sobbing, begging for us not to throw away the toys I made him a deal. Every night if he cleans his toys up before bed he may have one toy from the trash bags that are now safely in what the Caveman refers to as the "ladder."

The problem with all of this is wondering if I am being too hard, but as I cannot find my I-pod right now I believe that learning to respect the things that God has given us is an incredible life lesson. I think with working on myself this past year I am trying to make my children better than I am.

I know I have not written in a long time. I realize that I left my five readers hanging and I am sorry but there were serious issues that Big Papi and I had to face. With the hard work behind us I can safely say that I love the man my husband has become. Big Papi is my personal hero because he has been willing to truly walk a path with me. For awhile I felt alone in my marriage but with prayer, counseling, and by becoming debt free (only $5000 to go!) we have been able to find a way back to walking together.

So I will try my best to document the adventures of the Caveman and Alien household now that mommy and Big Papi are finally at peace.

If the shoe fits

So guess who is the newest shoe diva on the block?

Not myself, though I love a good pair of heels. Not Big Papi, who has like five pairs of shoes, nor the Alien who doesn’t wear shoes because when learning to walk I feel it is best to be barefoot.

No, my faithful reader, the shoe diva in our house is the Caveman.

I guess I shouldn’t call him a diva as he is all little boy, but the kids is all about shoes. The Caveman currently has several pairs of shoes and flip-flops. He refuses to wear the flip flops and will only lament to wearing his water shoes unless he can see the pool. The biggest battles are when he wants to wear a certain pair of sneakers and we make him wear another.

This morning is a prime example as Big Papi and the Caveman spent the morning in the tv room. When they came down the hall to begin the day I notice that the Caveman is only wearing one of his Sesame Street shoes, and on the wrong foot. So in love with his sneakers, the Caveman will put them on while playing around the house. If we try to take the off, particularly when he wants to play with the Alien the temper tantrums are long and loud.

The Caveman was in a particularly silly mood while getting dressed and when I went to grab the closest pair of shoes, the grey Spiderman shoes that light up when he steps. He looks at the shoes (that mind you last week were the favorite) as if they were the most disgusting things on the planet. When I tell him “okay, left foot,” he refuses. Then I start the counting, and it still doesn’t work. My child gets up and runs away.

Finally I decide to look for the shoes he wants to wear today, the Sesame Street ones, and can only find the one shoe he was wearing this morning.

This is trouble because when I inform him of this and put on the Spiderman shoes seriously World War III started in my house. The Caveman shout, screams, begs for the other shoes. At this point I have had enough and yell back, “You will wear these shoes and be thankful you have shoes!” I almost added the fact that there are children in Africa that have no shoes.

I finally get the shoes on his feet and leave the room to help pack his lunch. He comes running in and is not wearing shoes at all. I lose it grab him by his arm and shove the shoes on his feet. There is no help for this situation; I am mad and over the whole situation.

The Caveman is so upset at this point he has to be carried by Big Papi to the car for preschool. Big Papi then comes to grab the Alien and tells me that the Caveman has asked for his Cars shoes and has taken off his shoes. I tell Big Papi no, that we are the parents. A few minutes later Big Papi comes back and proclaims that the Caveman has asked for the Cars shoes and that he says he is sorry. To get Big Papi out of the house I agree.

I think this morning I am going to hide all the shoes but the flip-flops and see how the Caveman deals with it. I can be evil too.

Where are my ruby slippers?

So the final leg of our journey is now upon us. It was time to go home- yay!

8:48am: I am trapped in a car with lunatics. The Alien is the ring leader. She is the evil mastermind behind my headache and stress level. I know that her plan is to torture Big Papi and I with her constant screaming that we will finally give in and she will have total control of our family.

We are currently on our way back home and have only been on the road a half hour. The Caveman has already had his drumsticks taken away from him by Big Papi. I just am trying to find my happy place in the mist of all this craziness. I am trying to read the second book of the Twilight Saga and can’t concentrate because my family is nuts.

I have also already called Crazy Grandma to let her know that we are on our way back and to please schedule massages for Big Papi and I for tomorrow. She is laughing at me and asked me to let her say “I told you so.” Fine mom you win, children do not belong on vacation.

9:37am: A two-year old in a car for a long time is never a good idea. The Caveman has been occupying himself by taking the straw from his orange juice cup and flinging drops of juice on his sister and I. Not amused I took the straw and cup from him.

I also think I have caught the Alien’s cold as my throat becomes scratchy and the headache worsens. Or it could be the lack of sleep from the fact that the Caveman decided that an entire bed in the same room with mommy, daddy, and his sister still meant that he needed to share the bed with mommy. He is a bed hog. I am not happy. Never again will I go on vacation with my children. I might even include Big Papi in that group if he continues to scream at the children.

11:00am: Sitting in a parking lot in front of a Chick-fil-a as the Alien screams at her loudest level. The Caveman and Big Papi have escaped inside the restaurant to go potty and to get the Caveman a kids’ meal. The only thing keeping me going at this point is the knowledge that both children will be with a babysitter tomorrow. I feel like I am about to be paroled.

11:20am: Leaving Chick-fil-a after I got to go to the bathroom by myself. Oh the wonder of quiet, I had forgotten that one could be quiet. I feel like I am hung over only I have none of the fond memories to go with the feeling of achiness.

11:45am: The manager of the Chick-fil-a was kind enough to give the Caveman a balloon.

I could kill the manager of the Chick-fil-a.

The Caveman is currently hitting his sister with the balloon. The Alien is very upset but to be honest she has been upset since Monday. Actually at this very moment she is half giggling half mad as her brother bops her in the head with his balloon. The song on the radio is SOS, how appropriate.

1:20pm: Rejoice! We are in Newport News! The nightmare of the vacation is almost over! Please God let there be no traffic!

1:28pm: Officially in Hampton. Realized we have to stop at Walgreens to drop off the Alien’s prescription for her anti-biotic. Alien, who has thankfully been napping, has awaken. Oh no! Big Papi almost misses the exit. Seriously now!?

1:32pm: Mercury Blvd. Happiness and joy. Freedom is approaching!

1:33pm: Arrive at Walgreens and the Caveman has just woken up by singing Old MacDonald.

1:34pm: Leaving Walgreens, for once no line. Back on Mercury and only three traffic lights away from our turn. The crying from both kids has started again.

1:36pm: Damn you traffic light that just turned red!

1:38pm: Turning onto our street!

1:39pm: Arriving in our driveway!

Well folks, there it is. Our first family vacation and we all lived to tell the tale. Now I imagine that in a few months the bad memories will fade and I will remember the touching moments. I can’t think of any right now, but they will come.

Then the mommy amnesia will happen. This is the phenomenon that allows for women to kinds sort of remember that labor hurt but are willing to go through it again. I know I will want to take the children somewhere again; they will just be able to wipe their own butts.