On top of spaghetti- oh wait sorry that have carbs.

So I have started my new diet plan, and well it is an adjustment to say the least.

The first big change is this jump off program that I have been involved with for a week. Each day I start out with a protein shake. The flavors are chocolate, which isn’t so bad as long as it is ice cold, the other vanilla. The vanilla shake when made is the consistency of snot. It even looks like yellow, thick snot, but it does taste like vanilla, well kind of. Then I have a high protein snack like a protein bar which is actually really good. Lunch is a big green salad with lean protein, like chicken or fish. I have another snack and then dinner is lean protein, some more salad and colorful veggies.

Have you noticed what I’m not eating? That’s right gang carbs! Seriously I vowed to never do a high protein diet- but here I am limited to 100 grams of carbohydrates a day. That isn’t a lot. A half cup serving of pasta for example has 43 grams of carbs. Who only eats a half cup of pasta at one time! So really the diet is based on eating lots of protein, fresh fruits and veggies. I also discount the amount of fiber grams from the total carbs. If the total amount of carbs on the package is 10 grams but there are 6 grams of fiber then I only count four grams to my daily total. The Diet Guru tells me to avoid “red flag” foods, those that I can’t stop eating once I started. Well guess what- I want some freakin carbs!

I have been having dreams of brown rice with champagne chicken. Mounds of pasta covered in pesto. Brownies!

The low carb think only lasts another week, but man this is so hard. Crazy Grandma has been very encouraging. She reminds me that last year I gave up all soda, even diet. I did survive that, but this is different. I am forced to plan my meals, which I know is a good thing. Yet for 28 years I have just done what I wanted. Yes that is probably why I am going through this process now- but damn it I am in my bedroom far away from the kitchen because I know a ton of pasta is in boxes waiting to be donated to the local food bank.

Before anyone messages me about the fact that I can have whole grain carbs it isn’t that simple for me. Bread, pasta, rice are all “red flag” foods for me. I can keep eating them until I want to throw up. This is something I have never revealed to anyone and yet here I am on the blog saying it out loud to God knows how many people. I am like an alcoholic but my drug of choice is food.

The other thing I have to do is write everything I eat down. I am starting to notice my personal triggers for junk food binges. One I am noticing is when I am on campus I have a desire to eat snack cakes. These are not things I normally eat, but the vending machine beckons saying, “put that dollar in me. That’s right. Now, now push the buttons. Oh just like that. I’ll give you what you like.” So the other day I do just that not thinking because it was right before I huge biology test and I was stressed. I purchased the item and turned around and saw the small snack cake had 83 grams of carbs! So I threw them away. That right there is a huge step for me because before I would have just eaten them without thinking about it. Without being truly hungry, I would inject months old snack cakes because really I was nervous about a test.

I am trying to find these victories every day. Some are better like yesterday my family went to an amusement park and I was surrounded by handmade fudge, giant soft pretzels, and towering ice cream cones. I didn’t buy any of it.

The no carb thing is also giving me a horrible headache all the time. The diet guru warned me about this happening, but man when the cravings hit my head feels like it is going to explode. This must be a very mild example of what it is like to withdraw from drugs.

I plan on keeping everyone posted because frankly I have never been on a diet where I told the world. Well if I am being honest with myself I have never been on a diet where I told anyone. To be on a diet feels like failure from the start because my body won’t do what I want it to. I want to be able to eat what I want when I wanted. My challenge is letting this go. I am not built to be able to eat anything because when I eat anything I don’t want to stop.

"Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups". - Cathy Guisewite

So this weekend I realize that I can’t always be there for the Caveman and Alien’s first moments.

This weekend our church is hosting an Easter egg hunt which the Caveman is finally old enough to participate in. I have an algebra test on Saturday during the hunt. I am going to miss the Caveman holding his basket looking for eggs. I feel guilty.

When I was pregnant with the Caveman I was a manager of a Lotion Land working an average of 50 hours a week. I realized that my weekends and holidays would likely be spent in a mall selling lotion to the masses and not at baseball games, birthday parties, and holiday celebrations. I gave up that life because I wanted to be there for those important events in my children’s lives. Never did I imagine that even with this change there would still be certain moments I would miss.

This guilty feeling has me thinking that it is so important not to become so engrossed in the kids’ lives that you lose yourself. I saw this Monday’s Oprah and she was talking to moms. This conversation was different because they really talked about everything it is to be a mommy. The one theme that I realize is motherhood is sacrifice.

One of the members of the mommy panel mentioned that no one told her about the sacrifices you make to be a mommy. I thought that was silly at first because everyone should know the second you get pregnant you are already sacrificing happy hours, coffee, and sushi. Not to mention the actual birth process should be right up there for nomination of a Nobel Prize. I believe if men had to give birth there would be awards or Medals of Honor for surviving. The only Medal of Honor I have is the stretch marks- yeah those aren’t exactly exciting to show off. Or you should earn hazard pay for the amount of body fluids you come into contact with. I never knew how often a nine month old baby could pee.

No those sacrifices and the lack of sleep are to be expected. What I miss when I had children is the ability to leave the house without carrying at least one diaper bag. I long for the ability of being able to go out with my girlfriends without a conference with my husband. I no longer burn candles. I am a regular buyer of chocolate milk. I know all the words to the Elmo potty DVD. No adult should have to watch Elmo repeatedly- and if you do enjoy the Elmo as an adult seriously I believe you need help. The one thing that really annoys me is when I am finally able to sit down and eat my dinner after making sure the Caveman and Alien have had theirs is when the Caveman comes up and asks for a bite. We are trying to break him of this habit but it still involves me stopping my meal to tell him no.

The one thing no one could really prepare me for is the amount of guilt involved with kids. I feel guilty when I punish the Caveman. I feel guilty when I let the Alien cry it out in her crib instead of getting up from my bed. When I send the kids off in the morning with Big Papi to be dropped off at the preschool and sitter’s I feel guilty. When I write this blog and whine about all the little things that someday I’ll look back and wish I could have one more day of the Caveman and Alien’s antics, I feel guilty.
Guilt along with love is the constant emotion of motherhood. I challenge any mother to try to think of a moment when you do not feel guilty.

I don’t want people to think that motherhood is all bad but I agree with the comments from that show that you have to let go of the woman you were before kids, and not feel guilty about mourning her. Pre-mommy women are amazing and never realize how great they have it. My pre-mommy self will never fully coming back. This is hard for me to admit because I feel guilty for wanting her back. My children should complete me. Well guess what, I didn’t know I was incomplete in the first place.

For myself there is still traces of that fun loving independent woman, she just is a little more patient. Maybe that is the true beauty of being a mother; the life you change is not just your child’s but your own.

So this weekend, while the Caveman chases the Easter Bunny, I will be sharpening my pencils. I will be in a classroom reaching for myself so that I can better reach for my children. And Big Papi had better take a ton of pictures!

Can you be my hero baby? Can you make me some dinner?

So may I brag for a minute?

Big Papi was on deck this evening as it was Tuesday and that means Mommy is sitting in a biology lecture while he has the Caveman, Alien and dinner duties. Actually if I’m honest Big Papi has had to do a lot of watching the Caveman and Alien this semester. For me to achieve my dream of a college degree my family has had to sacrifice. In fact the family has had to make more sacrifices than I have.

I may be the one doing the studying, writing papers, and taking exams. The Caveman, Alien, and Big Papi are doing a lot of evenings without Mommy. Even when I am home I am often working on the laptop researching for government or writing biology definitions. Every Saturday I drive to algebra class leaving breakfast and Saturday morning activities to Big Papi. Sure I am giving up any amount of free time but in the end I get to have a college degree.

Big Papi hasn’t complained- in fact he has been incredibly supportive. The Alien and Caveman however, are another story as when Mommy is home they expect my full attention. I have learned that I have to balance my time with them along with my studies. Balancing is hard because sometimes I have to tell my family I have homework, because simply the professors could care less what is going on in my personal life. Sometimes I have to stay up late so that I can spend time with the kids. It is so bad that the Caveman will sometimes set up his toy laptop right next to mine and declare that he is working on homework. No two-year old should know about homework.

There is only six more weeks of being a full time student- I will never do that again as a proper grown up. I have been so focused on getting to the next step- and getting out of community college land that I didn’t think about the toll my family and self would face. For now on I will be a part-time student.

When I came home from lecture tonight Big Papi had dinner done and the Caveman was sitting at the table ready to go. The Alien was in her bouncy jumpy thingy- I never know what that thing is called- happily bouncing away. For the first time in a long time I was able to enjoy dinner with my entire family- and I didn’t worry about the lab quiz I have on Thursday or the algebra homework that is due on Saturday.

Big Papi is the reason for the bragging because simply he doesn’t get enough credit for everything he does for our family. Sure it is fun and therapeutic to write about his mistakes but I think as a wife it is important to let him shine once in a while.

So to Big Papi tonight you are my hero- tomorrow well hey I can only worry about today.

No that's mine Alien!

So the Caveman spent a good portion of the evening in timeout.

The reason the Caveman was in timeout is that the Alien is impressively crawling and wanting to go after the Caveman’s toys. The Caveman being a typical kid doesn’t want to share.

It goes down like this: the Alien will find a toy that interests her. She starts to play with it, okay puts it in her mouth. The Caveman will take the toy away and then give the Alien another toy and say “here.”

The Caveman could be in another room but he knows if the Alien is messing with his stuff. In this case he will actually take the toy from her hand and not give her another toy. Which makes the Alien cry and then I have to put the Caveman in timeout because he should share with the Alien. Or more likely he should want to share with the Alien.

Sharing I am noticing is a hard concept for the average two year old to understand. To be honest as a twenty eight year old woman I don’t like sharing my stuff. If you let someone borrow your favorite sweater it never returns in the same way. Plus some items are truly special so why should I have to share it with others?

Thinking about this I started to wonder why am I making the Caveman share his toys with his younger sister? Seriously, is it so bad to actually have a kid cherish something to the point where he doesn’t want to share it with anyone? When did the idea of sharing become letting others use your stuff? Yet, I realize that if I don’t teach the kids how to share then how will I raise citizens of the world?

The actual definition of sharing is the act of participation or of being involved. So how is letting other people use my stuff being involved? I think the concept of sharing that I want to teach the Caveman and Alien is that sharing is not only an act but a mindset. It isn’t enough to have things to share- things are simply things. To truly share is to do what the definition says- get involved.

My goal as a mother is that my children understand that their actions matter. That their interactions with other people matter and can make a difference and the people that come across my children leave better.

I guess to teach the two year old Caveman the concept that it is not acceptable to take toys from his sister simply because that particular toy is his is a good thing. The adult Caveman will hopefully thank me someday.

It takes a village to fit into my skinny jeans

So I finally made a huge choice to take control of my health.

I have always been heavy but after having the Caveman and Alien I have ballooned into something between the blob and Slimmer from Ghostbusters. I can’t find pants that work. I don’t remember the last time I was able to walk into a store and find something really cute to wear has been awhile. Well with the exception of the amazing coat I purchased from Lane Bryant in January

At almost 30 years old I am tipping the scales at my largest size ever and it is scary. The problem is I have been working really hard at exercising, watching my fat and carbs- without any real results. So frustrating!

The other problem is since the Alien was born is that I am super tired. My monthly friend” has been visiting every two weeks. I am irritable and even with eight hours of sleep I never feel rested.

The problem with feeling this way is that is feels like defeat. Giving birth is performing the most amazing miracle God has ever created. My body now I feel is betraying me after doing so well with my children. I feel like a failure because I haven’t bounced back to my pre-baby weight.

I bet a lot of other mommies feel the same way. Between everything a mom has to go through for her children it is a wonder than most women are still upright.

So I am asking for help. I am checking to make sure that my body chemistry is where it is suppose to be. Even doing this I still feel like a failure because I can’t exercise enough or starve myself thin. I don’t think I am made that way.

To feel like an awesome mommy you can’t ask for help. You are supposed to “raise” your own kid and not drop them with a grandparent or gasp a day care! There should be no village. Especially with something so mundane as what really is a silly issue such as my weight.

Well this mommy is asking the village- help!

On April’s Fools day I am hoping to get some answers to why my body isn’t working- and I am hoping that Dr. Clarke doesn’t think that I am a joke.

You can lay an egg but can you make it hatch?

So the potty has become the place to be in the Alien and Caveman household. Supposedly the Caveman has been going potty in the toilet at school no problem. Yet when he comes home the idea of going potty in the potty seems silly. What is a mommy to do?

Bribery my friends, bribery.

Currently residing in the main potty in our house is a jar of yummy Reese’s peanut butter Easter eggs. The rule: the Caveman goes pee pee or poo poo in the big boy potty he get a piece of candy. I have heard from other mommies that this method works, particularly for boys.

Well, today I tried this approach and the following conversation took place:

Mommy: “Caveman if you go pee pee or poo poo in the potty you get candy!”
Caveman: “I want candy!”
Mommy: “Okay then go poo poo or pee pee please.”
Caveman: [now sitting on the potty] “All done! Candy!”
Mommy: [looks in the potty] “You did not. No candy until you go poo poo or pee pee.”
Caveman: “Do you need to go potty mommy?”
Mommy: “No, I need for Caveman to go potty.”
Caveman: “Mommy’s poo poo?”
Mommy: “No honey, you need to poo poo. Mommy is all done.”
Caveman: [Tries to get up] “All done! Candy, please”
Mommy [looks in the potty] “You did not go potty, no candy.”
Caveman “I WANT CANDY!!”
Mommy: “NO! Candy only for poo poo or pee pee”
Caveman: “Mean mommy!”
Mommy: “Thank you. Are you going potty or not?”
Caveman: “No! All done” [gets off of potty and pulls up the training pants and his jeans]

Ten minutes later I am cleaning up after he goes potty in his training pants. At least he didn’t ask to have candy for that.

I am over this potty training thing. The worst part is that this is the first thing in a long run of things that teachers will be able to get my child to do that I am not able to get him to do.

Someone told me that the Alien will be easier. I think at this point in the Caveman going potty in the potty at home is more challenging than getting President Obama an invitation to be on the 700 Club.

I realize that some day and more likely soon the Caveman will abandoned his training pants for big boy underwear. I am just wondering how many chocolate peanut butter eggs it will take?

When Mommy is sick well Big Papi is alright

So sickness had clouded the Caveman and Alien household this week and mommy was the biggest victim. I could go into details but let’s just say that this time it involved not being able to eat anything other than crackers and many trips to the bathroom.

I’m not sure which brought in the germs- I think the Alien but the Caveman has many friends at school. Everyone is so excited when the Caveman shows up. Especially the teachers who let him have his “special seat” in the lunch room for breakfast and lunch. (Seriously they have actually offered to move the kid who dared to sit in his seat. I have explained that the Caveman will get over it, they ignore me and give him an extra hug.) Could an extra hug have given the germs to pass on to the mommy?

I try my best not to get what the kids have- but this time no doing mommy got it in a big way. The problem is when mommy is down the whole household stops. Actually that isn’t true Big Papi is awesome at making sure kids get fed and bathed, and even put to bed. He even brought me toast and water.

But, I feel so guilty being in bed when I should just suck it up and get going. Come on women in third world countries do not have the luxury of being sick- just doesn’t happen. Even other mommies I know are able to get going. I feel slightly defeated that a little stomach flu had me in bed. But, I am so proud of Big Papi for keeping everything together I could just burst!

However a day later I am feeling so much better. I still feel a little out of it, and I haven’t tried eating anything but toast in the last 24 hours, but compared to yesterday I could run a marathon. Okay maybe not a marathon but am I feeling much better.