Where are my ruby slippers?

So the final leg of our journey is now upon us. It was time to go home- yay!

8:48am: I am trapped in a car with lunatics. The Alien is the ring leader. She is the evil mastermind behind my headache and stress level. I know that her plan is to torture Big Papi and I with her constant screaming that we will finally give in and she will have total control of our family.

We are currently on our way back home and have only been on the road a half hour. The Caveman has already had his drumsticks taken away from him by Big Papi. I just am trying to find my happy place in the mist of all this craziness. I am trying to read the second book of the Twilight Saga and can’t concentrate because my family is nuts.

I have also already called Crazy Grandma to let her know that we are on our way back and to please schedule massages for Big Papi and I for tomorrow. She is laughing at me and asked me to let her say “I told you so.” Fine mom you win, children do not belong on vacation.

9:37am: A two-year old in a car for a long time is never a good idea. The Caveman has been occupying himself by taking the straw from his orange juice cup and flinging drops of juice on his sister and I. Not amused I took the straw and cup from him.

I also think I have caught the Alien’s cold as my throat becomes scratchy and the headache worsens. Or it could be the lack of sleep from the fact that the Caveman decided that an entire bed in the same room with mommy, daddy, and his sister still meant that he needed to share the bed with mommy. He is a bed hog. I am not happy. Never again will I go on vacation with my children. I might even include Big Papi in that group if he continues to scream at the children.

11:00am: Sitting in a parking lot in front of a Chick-fil-a as the Alien screams at her loudest level. The Caveman and Big Papi have escaped inside the restaurant to go potty and to get the Caveman a kids’ meal. The only thing keeping me going at this point is the knowledge that both children will be with a babysitter tomorrow. I feel like I am about to be paroled.

11:20am: Leaving Chick-fil-a after I got to go to the bathroom by myself. Oh the wonder of quiet, I had forgotten that one could be quiet. I feel like I am hung over only I have none of the fond memories to go with the feeling of achiness.

11:45am: The manager of the Chick-fil-a was kind enough to give the Caveman a balloon.

I could kill the manager of the Chick-fil-a.

The Caveman is currently hitting his sister with the balloon. The Alien is very upset but to be honest she has been upset since Monday. Actually at this very moment she is half giggling half mad as her brother bops her in the head with his balloon. The song on the radio is SOS, how appropriate.

1:20pm: Rejoice! We are in Newport News! The nightmare of the vacation is almost over! Please God let there be no traffic!

1:28pm: Officially in Hampton. Realized we have to stop at Walgreens to drop off the Alien’s prescription for her anti-biotic. Alien, who has thankfully been napping, has awaken. Oh no! Big Papi almost misses the exit. Seriously now!?

1:32pm: Mercury Blvd. Happiness and joy. Freedom is approaching!

1:33pm: Arrive at Walgreens and the Caveman has just woken up by singing Old MacDonald.

1:34pm: Leaving Walgreens, for once no line. Back on Mercury and only three traffic lights away from our turn. The crying from both kids has started again.

1:36pm: Damn you traffic light that just turned red!

1:38pm: Turning onto our street!

1:39pm: Arriving in our driveway!

Well folks, there it is. Our first family vacation and we all lived to tell the tale. Now I imagine that in a few months the bad memories will fade and I will remember the touching moments. I can’t think of any right now, but they will come.

Then the mommy amnesia will happen. This is the phenomenon that allows for women to kinds sort of remember that labor hurt but are willing to go through it again. I know I will want to take the children somewhere again; they will just be able to wipe their own butts.