I know, I know, prompt blog writers are at it everyday. However I am assuming that most blog writers are not attending classes in the summer time- sixteen weeks worth of education squeezed into ten. This summer to say the least has been interesting.
The first big news is that the Alien turns one today! Seriously amazing; this time last year I was getting hooked up to meds that forced the birth of my child, not pleasant. Now the Alien is this bright, shiny sunshine in my life. Her sparkling blue eyes that light up when I walk into the room. The cries of “ma- ma” (yes actually calling me ma-ma.) She is starting to stand on her own and attack the Caveman, at a kid level life is good.Another piece of amazing news is that I am a proper Wahoo! This tidbit I have been holding out sharing because part of me still does not believe that a path I stepped on almost twenty years ago is finally clear of the biggest road hazard. Virginia actually wants me. Yet, there is a line from the musical Wicked where Glenda finally gets what she wants and sings “That’s why I couldn’t be happier, no I couldn’t be happier. But, it is I admit the tiniest bit unlike I anticipated.” When you want something so bad, when it becomes everything you are working for and then you actually get what you want so then what?
The big thing going on this summer however is not all sunshine like a one-year old birthday or the accomplishment of finally being accepted at the one place I have been pressing my nose against the glass since I was 12. No the biggest news is that Big Papi and I are in a rough patch and are currently in couple’s therapy. This period in my life has been painful and lonely because I have not wanted to share this with too many people. Who wants to have a conversation about why you think your marriage of less than four years is not working. Plus sharing it with the world, especially people who are not involved with our daily lives is scary because the judgment that comes with a woman complaining that her man isn’t enough.
Yes, I said it. Imagine being on a long beach holding a rope and dragging everyone on a sled. My kids, house, career, dreams, hope, vision are all on this sled. Right now I am pulling it alone, without help from my husband. Now, let me be very clear Big Papi is a good, kind man. He is an amazing father. I love him; made children with him, that’s why as I type tears are welling up.
Big Papi is not living to his potential in many ways. Some days that sled is really heavy with all that I have put on it. Once in awhile I want him to help pull the rope or get some stuff off my sled and carry it awhile for me. So much is on a mom’s plate because if the kids are hurting it is the mother who is judge. Big Papi isn’t doing his part getting us to the next step.
I don’t feel comfortable explaining exactly what is going on, but he has the opportunity to finish something every important and is unwilling to find out how to finish. This goal is one that so many people want to accomplish, and he has at most six months work to do to complete. Frustratingly he gives no reason for finishing or promises to get the information and never does.
He is 32 and at this very moment is perfectly happy to stay as he is. As I change and grow, especially reaching my 30s I want my husband to grow with me. My fear is that I as I grow, I grow further away from him.
I think this blog is a little much for the world to see, but read the following email I received the other day:
ReplyDeleteDear Debra,
The grass looks greener on the other side.
You've heard that statement before. It's a reason a lot of marriages fail, because some relationships get to a point where the thought of being out of the relationship seems better than staying in it.
One reason for this has to do with emotions. Emotions toward your spouce on your wedding day are much more intense than emotions several years later. When people compare the way they feel now with the way they felt when they first got married -- when they see how much those emotions have changed -- they conclude that they msut have married the wrong person.
Karen and I dealt with that. After two or three years of marriage, we were totally numb toward each other. There was no emotion left. We were out of love.
That's when I started thinking about another girl I had dated in high school, wondering whether I should have married her instead. Satan always wants us to believe the grass is greener on the other side.
But you know what I've heard? When the grass looks greener on teh other side, it's because you can't see the poop from here. Everything looks better from a distance. From a distance, even the weeds look nice and green.
Here's another one: When the grass looks greener on the other side, that just means it's time to water your own yard.
The truth is that we can't rely on emotions. We're humans, and emotions change. They ebb and flow. A marriage has to be based on far more than feelings.
When we grade our marriage solely on how we feel about each other, we are totally ignoring the fact that grass must be watered, and marriage requires work. Marriages have peaks and valleys, and our job as husbands and wives is to learn hwo to sustain the peaks and endure the valleys.
How do we do this? By working at our marriages on a daily basis. In Revelation 2:4-5, Jesus comes to the church at Ephesus and says, "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first."
Repent means to change your mind, to turn around, to stop going the direction that you are going. To start doing the right thing again.
Remember how you fell in love? Remember how you talked to each other? Remember how you were careful no to hurt each other's feelings? Remember how energetic and adventurous you were?
When Karen and I realized that we had fallen out of love, we stopped doing the things that were causing us to rethink our marriage. We began to redo the thing we had done when we first got married. It didn't matter what our emotions were saying. Your emotions will catch up. Just do the right thing again and ride it out.
We began every day to do the best we could to get along, and after several weeks we began to like each other again. The grass may have looked greener on the other side, but once we watered our own yard, it started looking a lot better where we stood.
I appreciated the comments. Yet I agree that marriage is work- but for both people. My challenge is that sometimes I feel like that only person doing any of the heavy lifting is me. Thanks for reading.
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